


Kneel, domine

by LittleTurtle95



Category: Ancient History RPF, Ancient Roman Religion & Lore
Genre: Age Difference, Angry Sex, Bad Ending, Body Worship, Canonical Character Death, Consensual Underage Sex, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Memories, Rough Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-24
Updated: 2020-06-24
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:14:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24898267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleTurtle95/pseuds/LittleTurtle95
Summary: Antinous remembers the first time his dominus kneeled before him, but not as well as he remembers the first time he didn't let it happen.Read the tags! A lot of trigger warnings in this one!
Relationships: Antinous/Publius Aelius Hadrianus | Emperor Hadrian
Comments: 2
Kudos: 34





	Kneel, domine

**Author's Note:**

> I was talking with my old classmates yesterday so I decided out of nostalgia to peek in my Roman history books for the first time after like five years. I should have seen it coming, honestly.
> 
> This is the darkest fic I've ever written and also my first attempt at smut.   
> I wasn't planning for it to end up like this, but we all know how the Romans got, they were good at three things and three things only: stabbing, getting wasted and fucking. The latter looked like the most sensible choice.
> 
> After the sentences in Latin there's the translation in italics.

He remembers the first time he asked his lord to do that. He had been the Emperor’s favourite for a few months, back then. 

They had been clenching to the linen sheets, moaning each other’s names, feather-like touches and warm breaths. 

“Domine,” he had whispered, feeling those warm hands on his skin. “Auguste,” he called, pushing him away ever so slightly, but Hadrian got the hint immediately, backing off and looking at him with his deep eyes. The eyes of the most powerful man of all.

“Carissime,” the man said, almost out of breath, his godlike lips swollen and red from kisses. “What’s wrong? Am I doing something you don’t like?”

The young boy shook his head, his golden curls dancing as he moved, and jumped off the bed on his feet. Hadrian looked at him, let his eyes linger on him, pupils wide, licking his lips. Antinous knew he wasn’t going to take him unless he asked him to. He could if he wanted, he could do what he wanted to him or any other person in the Empire, but Antinous knew he would never do that against his will. Not to him.

“No such thing,” he said, a smile on his lips, and he saw the man sighing in relief. Antinous looked at the body still spread on the bed, his hungry eyes, his short breath.

He smiled because he knew the man was going to do what he wanted to ask him. “Procumbes ad pedes mei, Auguste.  _ Kneel before me, my lord _ . Show me all the ways you can make me feel loved.”

Hadrian’s breath hitched for a moment, and he tensed. He sat up on the bed, shock in his face, but Antinous’ gaze didn’t falter, nor did his playful smile.

Young, and confident, beautiful and proud. The fairest flower in the garden of youth.

“You know, any other one would already be dead just for thinking about asking me such thing,” the man said getting off the bed at last.

“But I’m not  _ any other one _ , am I now?” he asked, and only one so young, naive, would say that to the one and only Emperor, the one who owned all the lands between the steady wall deep north in Britannia, to the warmest parts of Africa where only lions were.

Adrianus Augustus stood, and smiled back at him. “You will be the death of me,” he said, as he sank to his knees.

When the man’s eager lips touched his hard skin Antinous felt a shiver deep through his whole body, not because of his lover’s fairly skilled tongue – and that alone would have been worth of every moan that slipped out of his throat – but because he knew this power was only for him to hold.

Hadrian have had a lot of lovers, he had a wife as well, but no one had ever seen him like this, that Antinous knew. The boys he used to entertain himself served him and nothing more, they were the ones kneeling before the mighty man that was now sucking eagerly on him, never the opposite, and it should never be.

He got lost in pleasure but refused to close his eyes, looking down at the man as he worshipped him, the man closest to a living god on earth had his mouth on him and he whined, and moaned, and cursed, and prayed until he finally filled his throat.

Hadrian rose to his feet and swallowed with a grin, and the boy couldn’t resist, and pulled him in for a heated kiss. 

There were many times after that, many times when the Emperor kneeled for him.

He remembers now the first time it happened, but not as well as he remembers the first time he didn’t let it happen. 

He was in Hadrian’s Villa, years later, walking down the atrium, when a well known voice called for him.

“Antinous,” the boy turned to see exactly who he expected. “Salve!”

“Alba,” he answered, lowering his head. The girl was one of the servants that followed the wife of the emperor, Vibia Sabina, the very owner of the villa. Hadrian had commissioned it as a gift for her many years before. “What can I do for you on this beautiful day?”

He had always been respectful of his Augusta and of all the girls and boys who served her. Hadrian wanted him to, but he would have done it anyway. She was the Empress and the host, after all.

“I’m just glad to see you’re still around,” the girl said with a sad smile, and chills went down the boy's spine. “Jupiter knows how long you’re going to stay this year.”

“We’re leaving to Egypt tomorrow,” he answered, his brows slightly furrowed. Alba surely had to know that, she was coming with his domina and the rest of them.

“Oh, I wasn’t talking about it,” she said, with a small shrug. “You’re turning twenty this year if I’m not mistaken.”

“You’re not, no. It will be in two months.”

“Well, I’m really glad I had to know you, then. I just wanted you to know that. Now go, I’m sure you’ve got something much better to do,” she said with a wink.

Antinous stayed speechless for a few moments – it didn’t occur often – then he bowed his head again. “Vale, Alba. I really should go now.”

He heard the woman say her goodbyes back, but the words didn’t register in his head. 

Of course, he had always known this moment was going to come. While it was socially acceptable for the Emperor to have a young boy as a lover, love between grown men was frowned upon by everyone in Rome. He knew there was no way they could have been together for long, he had just chosen not to think about it yet.

The words really affected him in a way he should have expected but didn’t see coming. It was true, he was turning twenty, he was growing fast. He was already as tall as he was ever going to be, he had to shave daily now, and he wasn’t the lean boy Hadrian’s eyes had caught during his trip to Bythia years before anymore. He had broad shoulders, strong arms, the neck of a grown man and he was considered an adult by the eyes of the law. 

He wasn’t ready for this to end. He doubted he was ever going to be.

He had never used his position as Emperor’s favourite for political purposes of any sorts, he was never really interested in that. Life in Villa Adriana had its perks, he knew it, but it wasn’t the imperial luxurious life he didn’t want to miss in his life, it was  _ him _ .

That was why even if he didn’t want to give up on all this, he knew he was going to. He didn’t want for Hadrian to face the controversy of having a grown man as his favourite, a grown man in his bed. He didn’t want for him to risk his position, he could never let it happen to him.

When he finally arrived to his dominus’ room, Hadrian’s eyes looked for him immediately, shining with relief, happiness and lust. “You had me waiting long enough my boy,” he said, already laying down on the bed, waiting for him to join.

As soon as his eyes found his face though, his serene expression faltered and he sat up, looking at him in concern. “O suavissime, what is bothering you? Something’s wrong, I can see it in your eyes.”

“You should not worry, my lord. I am as fine as day,” the boy replied immediately.

“Bold of you to lie to the Emperor himself, Antinous,” Hadrian said, getting off the bed and approaching him, cupping his face in his hands. Antinous noticed for the first time with great horror that he was now taller than his lover. It hurted.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” he whispered, his voice low and weak. He felt one calloused thumb caress his cheek. 

“Let me make you feel better,” a voice, sweet as honey, murmured in his ear. He felt a hand going down his chest, gently stroking his skin, then down his belly, the line of his touch burning him like fire. 

When confident, skilled fingers finally reached his inner thigh and Hadrian started to go down on his knees, Antinous stopped him, grabbing his upper arm with too much force. “No,” he gasped. “Please, don’t.”

Hadrian frowned, then touched his forehead to sense if he had fever. The paternal gesture made the boy’s stomach churn.

“Why?” simple question, difficult answer. “Why shouldn’t I serve my beloved when he needs it so clearly?”

“It’s me that should serve you, domine, not the other way round. I should make you feel good.”

“But you always do,” the man said, honesty in his eyes as he spoke. “You always make me feel good.”

“It’s not the same thing,” Antinous whispered.

They both knew it was true. That was precisely what he had always liked about Hadrian serving him, chasing Antinous’ release just as much as his own. It was forbidden, it was risky. The Emperor was expected to use him like any other servant, and the most obvious it was that it wasn’t the case, the most dangerous it became. If anyone saw them like this, with the Emperor making love to him rather than fucking him merciless, no one, Jupiter included, knew what could happen to the both of them.

Their eyes met again and Hadrian looked like he understood at least a part of what was going on in his thoughts, he was a clever man, well educated and his mind was fast. He grabbed Antinous by the shoulders, turned him with his back on the bed and shoved him on it full force. 

The boy landed rather gracefully on the clean sheets and looked up at his dominus, arousal already evident on him. 

Hadrian bit his lower lip, staring down at him. “Is this what you want?” he asked, lowering over him on the bed and starting to get rid of the boy’s robes. Antinous nodded fast, helping him with shaky hands, undressing himself. “Do you want be used by your lord?”

“Quaeso,” the boy whined. “Quaeso, quaeso,  _ please, please _ …” his demanding whimpers were shut up by equally demanding lips on his, sealed in a eager kiss. 

Antinous remembered a time, when Hadrian gave him pleasure, when he tried to suffocate his moans but his dominus always said  _ Let them hear. Let them hear you’re mine.  _

He didn’t say that anymore, he hadn’t said it in the last few months, Antinous should have noticed and yet he didn’t. Love was blind and deaf, indeed. 

That meant Hadrian knew it was becoming dangerous, too. 

When the man finally took him without a warning, he somehow managed to swallow back his moans and screams. It was brutal, colder than usual, but just as good as it always had been, the pleasure growing inside him like the fire of a pyre, raging in his flesh and filling all his senses at once. 

As he came undone on the bed with the man’s weight pressing down on him, he felt Hadrian bite his shoulder and he flinched, both out of pain and ecstasy. 

He let his lord take all the time he needed, then once he was done Hadrian slipped out of him and kissed him on his forehead. The loving feeling of the sweet lips on his face hurted more than everything else that happened to him that day. 

“I hope you’re feeling better now,” Hadrian said, his fingers brushing Antinous’ wild curls all spread on the warm wet sheets. 

“Domine,” he said then, his voice hesitant. 

“Tell me, my love.”

“Do you think I’m old?”

Hadrian almost snorted as he rolled off him, resting on the empty space of the bed next to his side. “If you’re old then, what does it make me?”

“You know what I mean,” Antinous said, colder than intended.

“I am the Emperor,” the man declared as if Antinous didn’t know it yet. “The Emperor does what he pleases. You have nothing to worry about.”

“So were Domitian, Vitellius, Galba,” Antinous argued. “They were all Emperors too.”

Hadrian sighed. He knew the story of all those men by heart. They had all been in his position, leaders of the Great Roman Empire, and they were all murdered during their rule. “Is this what is bothering you? That you’re growing up? Are you afraid I’m going to chose another favourite for the sake of my own honour? For the sake of my own name?”

“No,” the boy murmured. “This is not what is bothering me, domine.”

“Good. Because I have no intention of doing that, I hope you know this by now, boy of mine.”

Antinous took a sharp breath. “Now,  _ that _ is what’s bothering me.”

Hadrian tilted his head. “You are afraid that I will keep you by my side?”

“I do. I mean, this sounds like the kind of scandal that gets an Emperor killed.”

“Nobody is going to kill me, don’t you worry.”

“Yeah, tell that to Caligula.”

Hadrian turned his head to face him and smirked, looking at his naked body as if he was studying him. “Are you a horse now? I didn’t notice.”

“It wasn’t just the horse,” Antinous huffed, “and you know that.”

“I’m not making you consul either, even if I have to admit I’d love to see you with a trabea triumphalis.”

“This is no joke, you know,” he whispered, and his voice had to sound broken, because Hadrian’s fingers suddenly were in his hair again.

“Nobody is going to kill me because of you,” he said, and before his lover could argue more he added, “and even if someone is, I’d rather spend one day like this than one hundred years without you.”

“Amare et sapere vix deo conceditur,” said Antinous, dryly.  _ To be in love and to be wise at the same time is difficult even for a god. _

“Omnia vincit amor, et nos cedamus amori,” Hadrian retorted without missing a beat.  _ Love conquers all, let us be yield by love. _

The boy scoffed. “You shouldn’t say those things. Your life is more important than mine.”

“Not to me,” the Emperor said, and that ended the argument for the better. “You’re coming with me in Africa tomorrow, and you’re going to love it. We’ll feast, and drink, we’ll be well hosted and well fed and you’ll forget these useless thoughts of yours in no time.”

“Ita fiat quid dominus volet,” Antinous murmured.  _ So be it, what my lord wishes. _

Hadrian looked pleased to hear his answer and pulled him in for another deep kiss that left Antinous’ mind fuzzy and his knees weak.

As soon as his mind cleared, when the man was fast asleep next to him, the moon was up in the sky and no one was up to their feet in the whole house, Antinous looked at his lover and accepted there was only one way out of this. There was no way his lover was giving up on him, so he had to take care of it himself.

And now here he was, standing on the stern of the boat, looking down at the dark waters of the Nile. He had wondered during the past weeks about where would he feel like that was the right place to do it, and now he finally felt it. He stood there, still as marble, remembering the first time his lord kneeled down for him and all the times that followed, and the first time he didn’t let it happen and all the times that followed that, too. 

He couldn’t let shame and scandal cast a shadow over his name, not if he could help it. And now he could.

When they dragged his lifeless body back on the boat drenched in muddy water, when the first of the Romans started screaming weeping like a woman, when the sun rose with his pink fingers above the sky, a small humid wooden board fell from his wet robes on the boat’s deck with a loud thud.

On it he had carved with his knife the words he meant only for his lover to see, and no one else. As if he already knew what was to be, Hadrian took it with shaky hands and read.

‘Nescit amor habere modum.’  _ Love doesn't know how to have any limits.  _

Augustus’ screams were told to be heard all the way up to his wall.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know how to feel about this one...? I'm... sorry? Anyways, I hope you liked it! This is really different from anything I've ever written so every feedback will be welcome!
> 
> [Disclaimer: this is a word of fiction based off some descriptions of both Hadrian's and Antinous' personalities and of the reason behind Antinous' controversial death. I'm not claiming this as the historical truth]


End file.
